Frankie's 5 Men You'll Meet Before Mr. Right

If you've ever felt a sneaky suspicion he's not quite right for you, then you need to read our guide to the five boys that aren't forever material...

Generation Y dating habits swing between chronic impatience and the need to ‘try before we buy’. We all want to find Mr. Right NOW but don’t believe in settling for the first guy that comes our way. What? Basically, we are our own worst enemies. Most of us try on many partners to learn about ourselves, what we like and confirm our final choice is the absolute best available.

But for how long do we window shop? I often worry that if I wait until I am 30 to settle down all the good bargains will have been snapped up! OK, enough with the shopping metaphor but you see what I’m getting at. So, I have devised a ‘top 5 boys’ list of guys you should date before you settle down with the one.

The bad boyThink Tyler Durden from Fight Club or ‘Mad’ Max. He’ is intense, rough around the edges, a leader but also a bit of a loner, detached and a hard arse (hopefully has hard abs too!)

What’s attractive?Bad is hot. Big muscles, car grease, devil may care attitudes – yum yum! They ooze confidence and you love them paying attention to you. Everything they do is exciting, spontaneous and risky.
What’s not so attractive?His spontaneous behavior will also apply to you, he’ll stand you up, treat you mean and even embarrass you. His unreliable nature will wear thin pretty quickly as you begin to feel used and ignored. Intimacy is not a strength of his and the more you want it, the less he gives.
What he’ll teach you?Once you’ve seen the other side of the grass is not greener, you will be more content to stay on straight side of the wild side. You will appreciate the steadiness and loyalty of your final partner and truly understand that you cannot change people.

The passionate lover
Think Leo in Romeo and Juliet. The passionate lover is absolutely besotted with you, and you with him. You will want to spend every minute together and fulfill each other’s every need. A very intense emotional relationship with amazing highs and soul crushing lows.

What’s attractive?You feel like a goddess! You feel loved, worshipped and your estrogen levels are going crazy. Your world is filled with sunshine and lollipops.
What’s not so attractive?Suddenly the attentiveness becomes needy, overbearing and you feel suffocated. This kind of love is unsustainable and unhealthy. Many women will feel that they loose their sense of self and isolate loved ones.
What he’ll teach you?You will tackle the question ‘is love enough?’ and discover what else is important to you. Things such as compatibility, unconditionally support, truth and reality will lead you away from the fragile Disney picture of happily ever after.

The box ticker
Think Aidan Shaw in Sex in the City. The box ticker is the kind of guy your mother would pick, and your family will love him at Christmas dinners. He has a respectable stable job, is good with cars, can kill spiders and will always tell you your bum looks great in that skirt!

What’s attractive?It’s easy, everyone will love him and on paper, so do you. He treats you with respect and you can map out the rest of your blissful life together in a committed adult relationship.
What’s not so attractive?Predictable can be boring, life is too short not to reach for the stars. Your heart does not always agree with your head, and you may feel repressed and resentful in the future.
What he’ll teach you?This time the question, ‘is sensible enough?’ will plague you. Suddenly new things you hadn’t thought of before are important to you - like being challenged, learning and having passion.

The Chloe Handbag
Think Hollywood’s A list - Jude Law, Orlando Bloom or Jesse Metcalfe. He usually dresses like a model, is swarve, charismatic, charming and everyone will be so jealous of you!
What’s attractive?He is! And so are you when you are showing him off. Your photo album never looked better! You feel the need to introduce him to everyone you’ve ever met referring to him as ‘your boyfriend’ every opportunity you get!
What’s not so attractive?You know you deserve the finest in the world but you are secretly worried. Worried he’s going to cheat, you’re not attractive enough, why he is he with me at all and that it won't last. This leads to an insecure foundation and eventual heartbreak.
What he’ll teach you?Once you’ve proven to yourself you can get the stud you can focus on a 'good personality'. Personal priorities appear, ‘am I willing to spend that much time maintaining the outside appearance?' Your grandmother told you, but now you believe her ‘looks aren’t everything.'

The diamond in the rough
Think poor Albert Brennaman in Hitch or Harry Goldenblatt in Sex and the City. The diamond in the rough is an old-fashioned fixer upper. He is endearing, makes a good friend, is a tad socially awkward and usually has some random specialty.
What’s attractive?His comfortable and loving nature puts you at ease. You find his little flaws, that only you understand, charming. You value each other and smile when you think about him.
What’s not so attractive?It may be difficult for your friends and family to understand the attraction and to accept him straight away. His faults will become too hard to look past making you frustrated, and the rough may mean you are not as attracted to him as you want.
What he’ll teach you?He will teach you the value in getting to know the genuine individual within and that nobody is perfect, even you.

Once you have been with these five you will have experienced a variety of the highs and lows that love offers. You will have learnt what’s truly important to you and the strengths you can offer to your Mr. Forever. Don’t forget, he’s out there trying to find you too!

Good Luck!

Frankie

Dear Frankie: Is he just a rebound?

Q: Dear Frankie,
I recently got out of a very unhealthy relationship with a guy I thought was 'the one', and who I would spend the rest of my life with. I am now in a new relationship, seven months later, and I'm not sure whether or not this is a rebound. My heart is telling me that I have true feelings for this new guy, although my mind seems to be second guessing my decision.

I really think I have feelings for this guy, but some of my thoughts keep strolling back to my old significant other. I'm confused about what to do, without seeming desperate to my new guy.

I believe that my new man is starting to catch on to my insecurity. How do I figure out whether or not this new relationship is meant to be, or if it's just a rebound?

Confused Heart

A: Dear Confused Heart,

I can hear the true angst you are feeling and I’ve spent the week pondering what the essence of the problem really is. Maybe you are:
1) Secretly missing the ex?

2) Trying to find an excuse not to stay with the new ‘rebound’ guy?

3) Genuinely worried about settling, worried you’ll miss out on something better?

If you’re missing the ex – snap out of it! Easier said then done I hear you say, but he sounds like the jerk of jerks, a waste of unhealthy time. If you do find your mind wandering back to him spend the time thinking about the lessons he taught you; ‘He taught me to always respect myself and expect others to do the same’ or ‘He taught me next time not to rush into intimacy so quickly.’ Be grateful that something positive came out of that relationship, then think good riddance!

Second option is more subconscious. I have never understood the term ‘rebound’. Does this mean every boyfriend after your first boyfriend is a rebound? It seems ridiculous! Another silly social faux par made up so people can judge you - get with a guy too quickly and you’re on the rebound – too slowly and you’re destined to be Bridget Jones? Don’t let others dictate your behavior, you are the only one that knows how long your heart takes to heal and how long during the last relationship you were hurting.

Finally, you seem to be like many women waiting for the ‘meant to be’ guy. We believe in the magic of ‘the right place and right time’ but then restrict it to after a period of being single? Nice guys are hard to find on a good day with a compass! Don’t risk losing this new one over nothing. If you’re still not sure maybe tell him you want to have some fun with it! Slow down, the guy probably doesn’t want to commit too heavily yet either.

So Confused Heart I would recommend you listen to your instincts. What is the real problem here? Basically, we want to avoid ‘throwing the baby out with the bathwater!’ If you decide he’s just a rebound and you would rather wait for ‘the one’, get rid of him and wait. Or, if the problem is your own perception and expectations (the bathwater) work them out while you work on your relationship too (the baby).

Good luck!!

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MAY NZ GIRL Second Sneak Peak!

Q: Dear Frankie,
My groomsman won’t talk to my head bridesmaid! Just to paint the picture, the groomsman is my fiancés brother, and the head bridesmaid is my best friend. They used to date for three years, and the wedding is going to be awkward for them. Head bridesmaid has been like a sister to me since we first met at the age of eight.

We have tried to arrange minimal contact for my sake. However, he continues to ignore her, gets grumpy when she rings and constantly bitches about her to me.

What should I do? A very Stressed Bride!
A: Dear Stressed Bride,
Ok, so this is a tricky one because there are multiple peoples’ feelings involved and you have to live with these people basically until death do you part, right? Unfortunately, you probably don’t want to pull a Donald Trump and say, ‘You’re fired!’ and walk away.

First question is: I understand these two people are important to you, but are they as important as yourself and your fiancé? I would hope the answer to this is no, of course not. This guy and you are about to do something pretty scary! Probably not much else is as important as this. Whether it is a wedding or a casual dinner party, you wouldn’t allow a guests’ negativity or problems to bring you down after you.

Second question is: And what is the purpose of a big wedding in general? I would hazard a guess that the reason you didn’t just run off and elope with your hubbie is because you wanted to share the special day with your friends and family? Yes? I don’t think their behaviour is allowing you to do this. You’re not having this big expensive party so your friends can have a free meal and carefree day while you stress and minimize awkwardness!

Third question: What is their fundamental role as head bridesmaid and groomsman? I would imagine the role of your two sidekicks was to handle any problems that may occur for the special day, not to create problems of their own! I’m worried maybe you think their job it to look good in the outfits you picked out and make up the numbers in the group photos. If this is the case any old friends would probably do!

Finally, I’m interested in why they declined to stand down but continue to act like small children? Maybe you could swap them with the page boys and flower girls so you had a more mature groomsman and maid of honour? If they were real friends, and as close and important as you think they are, they would put their differences aside and focus on you. You shouldn’t be made to feel guilty as you’ve done nothing wrong, but if they refuse to grow up and shape up maybe you should replace the guilt with a bit of strength and tell them to ship out!

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Top Ten Things Oprah Taught Me

Years of Oprah viewing has taught me many life lessons. From how to live my best life to improving relationships to staying fit, I am never short of an Oprah-ism for any occasion. So to save all you valuable time I have plucked out the top ten things Oprah has taught me from the hundreds of hours of Oprah gold. Enjoy.

1) Live your best life

The overriding message of the Oprah philosophy is based on the idea, ‘If you want the best the world has to offer, offer the world your best.’

Based on the Reverend Jesse Jackson quote and Sidney Poitier philosophy, ‘Excellence is the best deterrent to racism. Therefore, be excellent.’ I agree with Oprah when she says that, ‘this is the most fulfilling path to personal freedom.’

2) Believe Peoples’ Character Ideas

If someone tells you who they believe them! They know themselves better then you do.

When people make comments such as 'I'm selfish' or 'I'm mean', you can save yourself time and effort by believing them as they already know their own history and relationships.

3) Have Aha! Moments

The greatest enlightenment you can have as we learn about life is when you hear something and think, 'I never thought of it that way'.

If you can think of things in a different way it means you are growing and challenging your own ideas and removing prejudices.

4) Love Doesn't Hurt

Relationships should not physically hurt. Any guy who says he loves you but displays threatening or abusing behavior, is lying about the love.

Over 10% of females are said to have been abused by a male in a relationship. Many girls depend emotionally on men and stay in these relationships. Stand up for yourself, complete yourself and end the abuse.

5) You Teach Others How to Treat You

Eleanor Roosevelt famously said, ‘Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent.’ Dr. Phil regularly asks his guests, ‘Where did they get the idea they could treat you so badly? From you! You let them do it.’

6) Be Grateful Everyday

Oprah believes the, ‘magic of gratitude’ is the more grateful you are, the more you have to be grateful for.

Hard core’s like myself keep daily gratitude journals and look for five things a day to be grateful for. Getting up in the morning is different when you are looking for grateful acts.

7) Eat Breakfast!

Eating breakfast is like starting the car engine in the morning, it gets the metabolism working.

Oprah’s buddies Dr. Oz and personal trainer Bob Greene insist we eat breakfast and exercise everyday to get the heart pumping and body running well.

8) Make Wildest Dreams Come True
A simple act of kindness or time can go a long way, making others and yourself feel like a million bucks!
The 20^th season of Oprah was all about Wildest Dreams and my favorite guest was Bernadette, an amazing Starbucks employee whom was supporting a family of twelve. Oprah swung in and helped her and her children, nieces and nephew and mother. I tear up remembering how overwhelmed with joy Bernadette was.

9) Surround Yourself with Beauty
Take time and care to make your home nice no matter what your budget is. Showing pride in your external world then allows you to look after your inner being.

Oprah talks about when she was younger and living in hardship she would find flowers to display or pin pictures up on the walls, anyway to show beauty around her.

10) Pay Debts Fast
Structure your repayments so you are repaying the loan with the highest interest rate off first.

Finance expert Suze Orman reminds us that many people make the mistake of repaying the loan with the largest amount owing first, forgetting the extra interest could be saved and help you pay off your debts faster!

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MAY NZ GIRL Sneak Peak!

Q: Dear Frankie,

I have a rather strange and random ex boyfriend. We broke up at the start of the year and even though he lives overseas (which is why we broke up) we still keep in touch. After not hearing from him in two weeks, he randomly emailed me asking if I wanted to go on a ‘free no-strings attached, fun holiday’ with him! He said he’d fly me overseas and pay for everything! I still really care about him, but I have moved on, and I know it would never work between us (we tried long distance and it didn’t work). By the way he kept repeating the words ‘no-strings attached’ and ‘just fun’, I don’t think he wants to get back either (but it does sound like he wants some easy sex!).

It would be cool to hang out with him again and I would love a free holiday (who wouldn’t?!) but I’m worried that it might open up a whole can of worms… I’m scared I might fall back in love or want to try again… I really, really want to say yes (even though I realise it’s an international booty call!) but I’m not sure.

How would I explain it to my friends and family? And if I did go, how should we act? Like friends or ‘lovers’? Should I even go at all?! And what the heck is he even thinking offering?! Help a confused girl out!

A: Dear Confused,

An international booty call, how exotic?! WRONG! You didn’t say how long you were with him but to have moved on in five months is a fantastic feat! I wouldn’t jeopardize that for anything. I understand that lots of girls want to remain friends with their ex’s, but I have no idea why! But even if a regular friend invited you on a holiday you wouldn’t go if you knew there was a chance they would treat you badly, or heaven forbid use you for sex!

Why did he ask? Boys will always ask for two reasons; one, they want to make sure all possible options and doors are open as they are indecisive buggers and two, they don’t understand ‘getting over people’. It’s all very grey for them, they don’t label relationships like we do - ‘boyfriend’ ‘friend’ ‘ex boyfriend’, and conduct our behavior in accordance to the rules associated with that label.

But back to you! Yes, it might be cool to hang out with him again but it would probably be cool to have your mum make you a colorful birthday cake again, but we don’t do these things anymore, we’ve moved on! Follow your instincts; Oprah reminds us that a ‘maybe’ is as good as a ‘no’. Don’t fill your life with half experiences! If you think your family and friends would disapprove ask yourself why. Maybe they recognize he’s a bad influence on you? Or realise it will probably end in tears rather then a nice suntan?

I worry that for a holiday it would be more games then relaxing. If you did go the only way to act would be distant and detached so he knows you’re not interested in getting back together and shield yourself from getting hurt again. But where’s the fun in that holiday? Sounds like work to me! I’d rather wait until I could go on a holiday I paid for that fitted all my wants. Allow me to quote Destiny’s Child when I say, ‘The shoes on my feet, I’ve bought it, the clothes I’m wearing, I’ve bought it, ‘Cause I depend on me.’

Life is short and you are young. Don’t waste another second working on a jigsaw puzzle that you know is missing half the pieces!

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APRIL NZ GIRL Sneak Peak!

New Zealand Girl Magazine are re-launching their 'Super Kitty' advice column! Sneak peak here for some of the questions and answers before they are launched at http://www.nzgirl.co.nz/

Q: SuperKitty, it's all gone horribly wrong!I have been dating this guy since 2000 exclusively, or so I thought. As it turns out he's been seeing me and another girl the whole time. I just want things to go back the way they were and I think it's crazy for me to even want to be with him. What is wrong with me?

A: Okay hon, lets start with the most important thing…THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU! Nothing, zip, ziltch….yet. Unfortunately, we girls are, as you say, very forgiving, often to our own detriment. Allow me to evoke the famous George W Bush-ism last words before he invaded Iraq, “Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.” This guy, to put it mildly, sounds like a creep. You wouldn’t let your best friend or little sister date someone like this, so why let yourself?
Think about it, you’ve said you can’t get over him but you will have to eventually. Why wait to do it later when you can do it now and possibly meet a fantastic doctor, working with underprivileged children, whom can cook, with a huge trust fund, great body and whom WON’T cheat?
Good luck! And remember. You deserve to be happy, rip that bandaid off quickly, not slowly and don’t dip your foot slowly into the pool, JUMP!

Q: My problem is that I wish I was rich SuperKitty, but I'm not. The job I have at the moment is great. The people are awesome, the job itself is fine, everything's great- except the pay. I need to find a way of bringing in some more money, but I'm not sure how?

A: I hear you sister, I often throw my hands up after the third parking ticket of the month and exclaim, ‘I wish I was rich…that would solve all my life problems!’
All jobs work on a basic supply and demand system with the added hassle of personal agendas, egos and hierarchies. Surprise surprise, the business world was established by men and therefore to get ahead you often need to be a man or behave a bit like one. So for us NZ girls, we can get the best education, be a great team worker, be great at our jobs, flirt a bit but we also need to know how to negotiate and stare down the barrel of a scary testosterone driven money game.
One good way to prepare yourself is to do your research. Arm yourself with industry standards of pay, speak to the institution or association in the field you work in and ask them how the pay scale works. Find out where the industry skill shortages are, how you can fulfil them? Maybe you need to get another qualification, move interstate or maybe you already have the skills and working in the high demand sector! Use this information to give yourself confidence when you approach your boss or to realise it’s time to find a new job!

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