Dear Frankie: Is he just a rebound?

Q: Dear Frankie,
I recently got out of a very unhealthy relationship with a guy I thought was 'the one', and who I would spend the rest of my life with. I am now in a new relationship, seven months later, and I'm not sure whether or not this is a rebound. My heart is telling me that I have true feelings for this new guy, although my mind seems to be second guessing my decision.

I really think I have feelings for this guy, but some of my thoughts keep strolling back to my old significant other. I'm confused about what to do, without seeming desperate to my new guy.

I believe that my new man is starting to catch on to my insecurity. How do I figure out whether or not this new relationship is meant to be, or if it's just a rebound?

Confused Heart

A: Dear Confused Heart,

I can hear the true angst you are feeling and I’ve spent the week pondering what the essence of the problem really is. Maybe you are:
1) Secretly missing the ex?

2) Trying to find an excuse not to stay with the new ‘rebound’ guy?

3) Genuinely worried about settling, worried you’ll miss out on something better?

If you’re missing the ex – snap out of it! Easier said then done I hear you say, but he sounds like the jerk of jerks, a waste of unhealthy time. If you do find your mind wandering back to him spend the time thinking about the lessons he taught you; ‘He taught me to always respect myself and expect others to do the same’ or ‘He taught me next time not to rush into intimacy so quickly.’ Be grateful that something positive came out of that relationship, then think good riddance!

Second option is more subconscious. I have never understood the term ‘rebound’. Does this mean every boyfriend after your first boyfriend is a rebound? It seems ridiculous! Another silly social faux par made up so people can judge you - get with a guy too quickly and you’re on the rebound – too slowly and you’re destined to be Bridget Jones? Don’t let others dictate your behavior, you are the only one that knows how long your heart takes to heal and how long during the last relationship you were hurting.

Finally, you seem to be like many women waiting for the ‘meant to be’ guy. We believe in the magic of ‘the right place and right time’ but then restrict it to after a period of being single? Nice guys are hard to find on a good day with a compass! Don’t risk losing this new one over nothing. If you’re still not sure maybe tell him you want to have some fun with it! Slow down, the guy probably doesn’t want to commit too heavily yet either.

So Confused Heart I would recommend you listen to your instincts. What is the real problem here? Basically, we want to avoid ‘throwing the baby out with the bathwater!’ If you decide he’s just a rebound and you would rather wait for ‘the one’, get rid of him and wait. Or, if the problem is your own perception and expectations (the bathwater) work them out while you work on your relationship too (the baby).

Good luck!!

Read the further articles and questions at www.nzgirl.co.nz! And while you're there sign up and check out their great fashion, travel and useful girl power advice!