Dear Frankie: The chicken or the egg?

Question

I'm in a bit of a weird situation. I am in my final year of university following which I will be moving home for a year as I am contracted to a graduate job there for one year. My boyfriend does not want to move to my hometown and I do not want to do long distance especially seeing as he is likely to head to Australia. We have painfully admitted to each other that while we love each other we cannot see ourselves being together in the long-term so there is no point trying to negotiate a way of working our relationship into the next year’s changes.

My predicament is therefore what do we do in the meantime? Currently we have decided to stay together till then as we live only houses apart and share the same group of friends therefore would be miserable seeing each other but not being together. My best friend thinks that I should start moving on and break-up with him now however I think that the break-up would be easier when we are living apart and will not be seeing each other constantly.

I’m 22 almost 23 and am worried that I shouldn't be wasting my time when I could be out there finding someone who is my future. What do you think? Are we stupid for just delaying the inevitable?

Thanks,
Anonymously torn

Answer

Dear anonymously torn,

Your name sums the situation up perfectly. ‘Anonymously Torn’ you must become ‘Accountably Decisive’. To do this you need to:

- MAKE decisions based on facts, not assumptions

- STICK to your decisions

You haven’t pleaded your case that you love him, only that you will miss him from a front row seat. Causing me to think you have two options.

Option One – You feel moving cities is a comfortable way to leave him, but not the real reason. You are confident this is not a lasting relationship. You are looking for a way out that won’t hurt people’s feelings. If this is the case, don’t waste another second and end it now!

Option Two – You feel you are in a good relationship and the change of location is the real reason you want to break up. If so, try and enjoy your time together and diplomatically separate when you leave. This will be the easiest way to move forward.

It sounds like you have based current relationship decisions on a lot of assumptions.

- You assume now that you do not want to be together in the long-term.

- You assume he will move to Australia.

- You assume he will not go to your home town.

- And, you assume that your graduate role will work out and you will stay there.

If a single assumption changes the decision you make now will be useless, and on the table for constant change, opening this emotional wound again and again.

Therefore, it is important to trust your instincts and stick to them. I know I’m being hard but you are still young and you must protect your heart as best you can. Whether that be from leaving a boy you love, or staying with a boy you don’t. It’s your decision.

Good luck,
Frankie